My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
