I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
