ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
