Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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