where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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