New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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