What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Floor bacon is actually really good
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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