Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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