I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
