My cat gives me a boner
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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