Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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