Sorry, I don't speak sober.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
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I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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