she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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