Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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