I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
why is half of my head shaved?
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