and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
