Only a mothe r could love this liver
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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