He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
