im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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