I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
