I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
