my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
