I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
