I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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