so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
