you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
