there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
