Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
