I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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