Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
