Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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