Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
