I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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