I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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