Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
