No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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