Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
