In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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