I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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