I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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