Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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