If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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