My first STD was from a foam party
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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