does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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