I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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