I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
