I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
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I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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