Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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