I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
