Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
