Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
