I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
