the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
