Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
