I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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