I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was confusing and full of hummus
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
