I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
