I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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