Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize